Hookers Heart of Gold

SUMMER MOVIE REVIEW EXPLOSION

2009-07-15T23:36:00.000-07:00

Editor's Note: Michael Jackson died, I went to LA for a week, I took a 'blog-cation' (I hope that's not a real term anyone uses) but I saw a bunch of shitty movies and now I'm back to talk about them.

TRANSFORMERS 2 : THE COLLEGE YEARS

I hated the first Transformers for many, many reasons but now that movie seems like a fond memory compared to the cinematic explosive diarrhea that is Transformers 2. It's like Michael Bay & Steven Spielberg are the '2 Girls' and special effects studio ILM is the '1 cup' and well, you can imagine the rest of that metaphor. I'm not shocked it made a ton of money, hey I shelled out for it, I also took a 20 minute nap in the middle because my brain was bleeding and I had gone temporarily deaf.

So Shia LaBeouf goes to college and just seems totally annoyed with any Transformer all together, even his homies like Bumblebee and Optimus Prime. So he's off to college and wants to leave all this robot shit behind but his roomie ends up being some conspiracy theory nut and Shia has all these epileptic fits where he does equations in Webdings font. Actually the only part of the movie I liked was the slutty Decepticon chic who tries to seduce and destroy him in his dorm. Outside of that, nothing is creative (wtf was that tribal shit at the beginning???) and I felt like I was watching the first movie all over again because they just rehashed the same boring desert set for the last 45 minutes of the movie. There's also a scene that takes place underneath a Transformer's nutsack, I shit you not. This is surprising since the special effects are such a mess you usually can't ever tell what it is you're looking at. By all means, save 2.5 hours of your life, even Megan Fox running in slow motion isn't worth it.
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UP! = LEAVE AFTER 15 MINUTES!

Fuck Pixar! There, I said it. 'Finding Nemo' is good, 'Wall-E' is cute, everything else they've done is total garbage and y'all keep drinkin' their Kool-Aid like it's the nectar of the Gods. I'm actually proud of Disney for going back and making their new movie with old school hand-drawn animation (but we'll get to that later). Everyone said this movie was the second coming of Christ but I fucking hate balloons, and I hate whimsical flying houses and jolly, fat kids so it just looked like more Pixar garbage to me, and I was 95% right!

You've probably heard it around already, but the first 15 minutes or so of the movie are awesome. Well, it opens with a short film about clouds making baby animals which is really fuckin' cute, and I would have rather seen a whole movie about that instead of the crap-fest that followed. Then the first 15 minutes of 'Up' are so good, everyone in the theater was crying, otherwise you have no human soul and demons should drag you to hell. I wished I was watching a film fest of animated shorts, Pixar should stick with that instead of their feature length bullshit. Everything afterwords was so boring and trite I was praying for it to end. I loved 3D, I saw it in 3D, it still sucked. Sure it's predictable, you might smirk here and there, but the journey isn't even fun. Why do you people like this shit? Are you the same people who think Transformers is better than The Dark Knight?! What is wrong with you?!
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BRUNO = IT WASN'T NOT FUNNY!!!

Any and every Bruno segment of 'Da Ali G Show' is way more entertaining than this movie. I had high hopes for this one since 'Borat' was hilarious and this seemed like an even easier prank to pull on the simpletons of middle America. I was wrong. I was worried the satyr of the whole character would be lost on most people, given that fag-bashing is right up there with baseball as one of America's favorite pastimes, but thankfully the majority of that was saved for the grand finale scene. Even so, I couldn't help but feel the same idiots who think 'Transformers' is amazing would think 'Bruno' is hilarious, simply based on the universal hilarity of queer jokes alone.

Oddly enough, they included a scene where an 'ex-gay' converter starts bashing women for being so annoying which, in my opinion, while discrediting himself he actually made the character of Bruno and his scheme even more relatable to the straight, breeding masses in the audience. Lots of women stopped laughing and started gasping. If his opinions are so outlandish towards hetero women, then what makes his opinion of gay men any more credible??? That might be the only redeeming part of this movie. Sure, Bruno has funny, crude, in-your-face setups but they come off as awkward and unsettling (especially the baby casting calls with parents and the swingers party). The best material is in the trailers so don't hold your breath for anything better. Also, an 8 year old boy and his mother sat next to me, which made everything more awkward. She tried covering his eyes for the first few scandalous scenes, but after realizing the whole movie would only get worse (duh) she gave up and let him watch the rest. And the 'Mother of the Year' award goes too...
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HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-ASSED PLOT

So Warner Brothers makes us wait a year and a half for this movie because they were afraid 'Twilight' would steal it's pre-pubescent, tweenage girl thunder and they wanted a big summer opening? I bought advanced tix, waited in line for a midnight showing and all I got was some lame-ass transition movie where nothing happens and it's all just tween romance drama and set-up for the final films, in the next 2 to 3 years?!?!

This movie was just an extended, supernatural episode of 'Gossip Girl'. It's all high school romance, whimsical flirty bullshit and NOTHING HAPPENS! The movie is almost 3 hours long and all you get is some coy he said/ she said nonsense and that's it. I waited in a crazy ass line full of nerds wearing wizard hats and capes and shit but I would have stayed there to take pictures of them rather than roll my eyes for 3 hours at this craptastic excuse for a summer movie. It's all transition exposition, no magic, no effects except some smokey shit, and that's all. Even my friends who love this book the most in the series were disappointed. Rent it, skip it, or just read it and wait for the final 2 films.
P.S. Every summer movie has sucked so far. Will 'The Hurt Locker' be my favorite?

MORE ALICE IN WONDERLAND...

2009-06-23T20:07:00.000-07:00

Here's more new pics of Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland. Alice looks normal but Tweedledee and Tweedledum (Matt Lucas from Little Britain) looks more like a cross between Puggsley Addams and the 'chubby cuppy cake boy' from youtube, gross.

ALICE IN BURTONLAND

2009-06-22T02:47:00.000-07:00

This shit looks fuckin RRRRRAAAAADDDD!!!
Sorry if you weren't a fan of Tim Burton's Charlie & The Chocolate Factory remake but I liked it and this looks way better. With Alan Rickman, Crispin Glover and Christopher Lee? Can't wait. Bigger pics and full story at USA Today.

BUSTIN MAKES ME FEEL GOOD

2009-06-22T00:33:00.000-07:00

I am buying Powerball tickets every week until I win that shit so I can buy this sweet ride, the real life Ecto-1 ectomobile from Ghostbusters! This shit is on ebay RIGHT NOW for a cool $150,000. I might as well just buy some junk and duct tape it to the side of my Buick Lesabre and paint the logo on, that's as close as I'll ever get. Are they still doing that MTV show Pimp My Ride? Cuz this is what I would get. This dude gives all the details in his

ebay ad here.

Aaannnnd, he made a youtube commercial for it too, which I suggest skipping around cuz it's more like an infomercial running at 10 mins. long. But still, the dude tricked out the inside with all the bells and whistles including a Slimer ghost radar, Ghostbuster uniforms, neon green ground effects, the actual siren noise AND Bose speakers pumping the themesong!!!

I know I've said the DeLorean is my ultimate dream-mobile, and Michael Jackson's Peter Pan golf cart too, but this one takes the cake. This would make me the official King of Halloween! FOREVERRRR!!!

THE HANGOVER, NARNIA 2, SPRING BREAKDOWN, AMERICAN TEEN

2009-06-18T23:41:00.000-07:00

THE HANGOVER = 3 SHOTS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL

Weak sauce. Don't believe the hype y'all. Sure this movie is some fun and funny good times, here and there, but it's mostly giggles and shrugs instead of giggles and hugs. I thought 'Old School' was more funny so just cool your summer comedy craving til 'Bruno' or 'Funny People' comes out.
***POTENTIAL SPOILERS AHEAD***
Hey if anyone can relate to this, it's me and my bros. We just celebrated his bachelor party in Vegas, at Cesar's, and I ended up taking a lot of pictures he didn't discover until later. Of course nothing as rediculous as this movie but similar setting. Yeah it's fun watching the mystery unfold as they try to retrace their night but instead of stumbling upon the comedy, it's all forced in your face whether you think it's funny or not. Case in point, Zach Galafanakis...he's a funny comedian, he has funny moments in the movie but all in all his character and bits are so fake and forced it comes across more as the guy who's trryyying to be funny and always failing, like Steve Carrell in Anchorman, random humor, not working. Hey, my faves 'Adventures in Babysitting' and 'Weekend at Bernie's' have a similar premise and everyone holds their own, so it can be done. Ed Helms and Bradley Cooper basically carry the movie, Mike Tyson is awkward but the tiny Asian gangster plays it up nicely. All in all, I say rental with the bros if anything. 'Old School' is superior, so is 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall' and maybe even 'I Love You Man'. Or, just watch 'The Hangover' while you and your friends ARE hungover and you'll have a good time.
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THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: PRINCE CASPIAN = 3 AMBIENS + 2 Z-BARS

Is this a whole new film genre? Boring ass movies to make your children fall asleep? I ain't got kids so I don't know what you modern day folks put them in front of other than Dora the Explorer and Yo Gabba Gabba but shit, if it's nap time turn on some mutha fuckin NAAAARRRNNNIIIIAAA!!! If this can put my nocturnal adult ass to sleep in less than an hour, it will knock your toddler out for 12-15 hours fo sho! Seriously, this movie was so boring I started pacing around my tiny office waiting for a magical Christian special effect to happen and it didn't. Just beavers and foxes chatting in the woods and trite English children complaining about everything. Way to go Disney, greenlighting and throwing a ton of money at this snoozer sequel. I can't say I'm surprised as half-way through reading this book in 5th grade, I decided it was so boring I would give up on the series alltogether and just start going to raves instead. So take that Turkish delight and shove it!
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SPRING BREAKDOWN = TOO LITTLE TOO LATE

Dudes, this sucks. You see a dream cast of Parker Posey, Amy Poehler, Missi Pyle, Jane Lynch making fun of Girls Gone Wild and it just falls short. It's a great premise but it went straight to DVD, but that's good. The plot just doesn't go anywhere, except to party after party (like the lost series Swingtown) and they can't seem to dig their way out of that. There are some funny scenes but not enough to pull the whole thing off.
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AMERICAN TEEN = 3 ORDERS OF PROACTIVE

This documentary is painful, heartwarming, awkward and inspiring. Of course the mean girl's sister committed suicide, so she can justify being a total bitch for the rest of her life. It sucks the hot dude fell for the artsy girl but then dumped her via text? Loser. The Jock seems nice enough, he's just trying to make something happen. The Zelda nerd is hard to watch but at least he finds his Zelda princess eventually. Hannah, the artsy girl is the best but I lost faith at the end when it said she couldn't handle the west coast, pussy. It's a good documentary but when you start reflecting on your own highschool life, and how much it sucked, i'd rather forget it. And yeah, wtf, no gay kid? If there was he was just background or killed himself or I forgot, but either way, fuck you wanna-be doc version of Harmony Korine 14 years later biased-ass piece shit.

REVIEWS: TERMINATOR SALVATION, DRAG ME TO HELL

2009-05-30T22:33:00.000-07:00

TERMINATOR SALVATION = SPECIAL EFFECTS SALIVATION, CONFUSING PLOT NO EXPLANATION

(I just felt like making a gay Terminator, since they are from San Francisco)
I really wanted this to be my summer jam. I don't hate McG as much as everyone else does. Sure he's a douche, but at least he's a fun douche. I was all up in Charlie's Angels 1 & 2, and The OC series, but had little faith he could pull off a Terminator. Unfortunately the best action scene of the movie takes place in the first 5 minutes. Sure the effects and new robots were new and fun, but I still felt the coolest scene was watching that terminator torso relentlessly come after Christian Bale in the beginning. That is what the whole movie should have been like, that scene is the essence of Terminator in general. Salvation is kind of like Mad Max meets Saving Private Ryan which could have worked, but instead it gets lost in this Back 2 The Future plot that is confusing as hell and long boring scenes of different characters trying to explain said plot. This brings the pacing of the would-be fast action blockbuster to a screeching halt. Basically as soon as my new least-favorite actor, Anton Yelchin, and his futuristic Rudy Huxtable sidekick show up on screen, feel free to go to the bathroom, take a massive shazz, get a snack, check your voicemail, twitter your mom, whatever you want cuz nothing will happen for a solid while.

SPOILERS & SPECIFICS BELOW...
I've seen every Terminator movie multiple times and I got totally lost during this one. Was that old silver-haired lady who lived at the gas station supposed to be John Connor's mom? Why doesn't Christian Bale go back in time and learn how to fly a frickin' helicopter?! He crashes two of them in this movie (not sure about the third one he's riding away on at the end while detonating San Francisco)? Why is Common in this movie at all? Why is Helena Bonham Carter in this movie at all, and if she knows to go back in time to develop this technology, why doesn't she know that it will ultimately destroy Skynet? Why does the advanced intelligent Skynet company leave super-sensitive nuclear Terminator batteries just sitting on a tray in the middle of the Skynet factory? Chillin out in the open? Why is Arnold's cgi Mr. Universe body in this movie...in a green speedo? And for the love of God, can someone from Crafts services get Christian Bale a God damn cup of hot chamomile tea with lemon?! or some Throat-coat or a frickin' Ricola?! I thought he was just talkin' all raspy-ass for The Dark Knight but I guess that's his new 'thing'.

Anyway, I'm all about suspending my belief for the sake of a sci-fi action movie but at least follow your own rules if you're gonna expect anyone to keep up, or care.
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DRAG ME TO HELL...AND BACK! THIS MOVIE RULES!!!

In an age when the horror genre is only about rape, torture, and mutilation it's perfect timing for Ram Raimi to swoop down and remind everyone how it's really done. If you're a fan of the Evil Dead series, you won't be disappointed. This movie is the most scary, hilarious, amazing, retarded fun all in one movie I've seen in a long time. When the entire theater is screaming and laughing and covering their eyes all at the same time, you know it's worth the $10. It's got a great, simple plot about a bank loan officer who denies this disgusting old gypsy bitch and extension on her home loan and ends up getting cursed to go to hell because of it. It's got it's fingers on the pulse of our modern economic times! Everything that ensues afterwards is classic Raimi horror mixed with humor mixed with absurd gore and hilarious one-liners. I loved every minute of it...ehhh, up until the half-way mark where it does slow down and they seem to overdo-it with the blowing drapes and whispery scenes which lead to nothing. And the main seance scene kinda jumps the shark but I let it slide because the rest was so entertaining. I wish it ended as strong as it started but being a big Evil Dead fan I was definitely satisfied. Plus it all takes place in Silverlake and Echo Park which is funny to see familiar hipster places as the backdrop.

And I find it particularly funny as I have encountered many an old gypsy bitch like this, either 'working' at Zankou Chicken, chain smoking outside my old building, or cutting in line at the 99 cent store, and I felt like they had dragged me to hell every time I walked outside. I'm sure one or more of them cursed me, given my current circumstances. So ya never know who you're screamin at. But I did help some gypsy twins find a dvd they were obsessed with at Amoeba once and they did a crazy belly dance celebration and left, so maybe I have their blessing on my side as well.

SUMMER MOVIE REVIEWS: STAR TREK, ANGELS & DEMONS

2009-05-17T13:53:00.000-07:00

STAR TREK = TOP GUN + NERDS vs. FRATS + BACK 2 THE FUTURE PART 2

Star Date: Last Monday, Afternoonish
I am not a Trekkie, I don't care about Klingons and shit, but this was a fun. Yeah, it's flawed, but all in all they found a good balance between pleasing the hardcore Trekkies & keeping the general masses entertained.
>>> SPECIFICS & SPOILERS AHEAD <<<
Thank God I saw this twice because after the first time I had no idea what the 'Back 2 The Future' alternate future plot was all about. It's still kinda blurry but I get the gist of it. It's also totally Top Gun-ish cuz Kirk is this bad boy maverick pilot who breaks all the rules and gets all the ladies (even the green ones); Joyriding, drinking, Beastie Boys, motorcycles, barroom brawls, leather jackets, etc. I like that they made Spock a total badass too, and he has a thang for chocolate sistas, but I could not get past the fact that he would have a smooth, cherub alien baby face in one shot, then total grizzly 5 o'clock shadow in the next! Either vulcan's have crazy hormones or Zach Quinto is a total otter (gay term for slim hairy dudes, like 'bear' but skinny).

Kirk & Spock form a lifelong bromance here, so do Kirk & Bones, so do Kirk & the original Enterprise captain he saves, and maybe Eric Bana's alien character secretly loves Kirk too...lots of m4m action goin on, but hey, what happens in an alternate future black hole, STAYS in an alternate future black hole.

Speaking of alternate future black holes...Tyler Perry cameo? NOT in zany-old-black-lady drag??? Most people didn't recognize him but I sure as hell did cuz I see all his movies. Along with alternate future grandma Winona Ryder? Big ups to J.J. Abrams for the random casting, but he also loses points for Simon Pegg and his nubby-eyed alien sidekick. British people are NOT funny! Simon Pegg, Ricky Gervais, Russell Brand, Monty Python? Y'all are being duped! You need some real American comedy like Larry the Cable Guy, Lisa Lampenelli and Jeff Foxworthy. Git-R-Done!

Mad props to the Starfleet Federation for being an equal opportunity employer. There have been many races (fictional and real) represented throughout the franchise, from Whoopi Goldberg to Lavar Burton. Unfortunately, the new school Uhura, played by Zoe Saldana from 'Center Stage' and 'Crossroads', gets upstaged by her Tyra-esque ponytail weave in almost every scene, being whipped around like a magical dragon tail! Sidebar: I loved how Kirk gets exiled to an arctic planet, climbs out of an ice crater in a blizzard, and just stands there wearing some destressed jeans and a fitted sweater looking like a Diesel ad.

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ANGELS & DEMONS = 3 HAIL MARYS

This was like the film equivalent of Kurt Warner throwing a last minute hail mary pass to win the Super Bowl: FAIL! I haven't read the books but I thought The Da Vinci Code was way better. Angels & Demons has a cool premise but rushes to a retarded ending that is so rediculous you can't help but laugh and not care who wins. Nobody told me Ewan McGregor was in it, so I was already annoyed as soon as his soulless lizard-man eyes appeared on screen (not a fan). I love Illuminati conspiracy theories, but this story goes beyond 'what if' into a magical fantasy land with scenes where you can feel the audience collectively roll their eyes and give up. It's not like Jesus himself shows up and walks on water and shoots lasers out of his eyes, but it's enough to make you forget the 'Se7en' kinda journey and leave a bad taste in your mouth. Don't even get me started on the absurd CGI interior Vatican scenes that look so fake I would be less shocked to see Gollum waiting in line at Starbucks.

M83 vs. ANTM

2009-05-07T01:59:00.000-07:00

I don't think you have to be a fan of either M83 or America's Next Top Model to appreciate this fan made music video, but if you ARE a fan of both then it's awesome. The song carries it of course, this cycle of ANTM was noteworthy (feat. McKey, Sheena, Marjorie, Clark, Elina and Isis the tranny!), and the editing is surprisingly good. It all fits together and even feels sorta nostalgic?

MOVIE REVIEWS: Obsessed, Wolverine, The Wackness, Synechdoche NY, The Visitor etc.

2009-05-01T01:10:00.000-07:00

Obsessed = Fatal Attraction + The Temp + booorrring

I had such high camp hopes for Obsessed when I hyped the trailer months ago but it was a total let down. Aside from a fight scene and funny line here and there, it is mostly Ali Larter being a sexy psycho getting tips from the resident office gossip, the gay receptionist, and countless random shots of Beyonce staring out of windows while a Sia song is playing. As expected, the entire movie is in the trailer so no surprises here. Beyonce's character was just annoying, probably cuz Beyonce only played a one-note ABW (angry black woman), but to be fair, that's all she was given. So I had to research the writer of this movie, David Loughery, wrote "Lakeview Terrace" ", "Money Train" and "Passenger 57"...but also "The 3 Musketeers", "Star Trek V" and an episode of the 80's TV show "Hart to Hart"??? What kind of resume is that? Who are you David Loughery?

X-MEN Origins: Wolverine = Made me want to do this...

X-Men...stick a fork in it, it's done. X-Men 3 sucked so hard I wasn't expecting much from Wolverine. Granted I watched it online, without finalized special effects, but it still sucked. I'm officially done with X-Men movies. 1 was ok, 2 was the best, 3 was God-aweful, and this spin-off was the last nail in the coffin. Goodbye X-Men movies, farewell Halle Berry's white wig and white eyes, so long Rebecca Romeijn's naked, blue, scaley body, this franchise is dead.

The Wackness = The Wiggerness

Yo, yo, yo! What is crack-a-lacking my homies? 1994 is the bomb.
I thought this movie looked retarded and guess what, it is. It's like a white Jew from NYC saw the movie 'Kids' and heard a Notorius B.I.G. song and decided to make those his new lifestyle. (You know he was really just sitting at home watching Party of 5 and listening to Counting Crows). Since idiots believe every piece of pigeon shit in New York is the coolest thing in the world, cuz it's from New York, he wrote a screenplay about himself 10 years later, cuz drugs are sooo urban, and he's so prolific, throw in an Olson twin and an oddly proportioned Ben Kingsley in a tiny hat, and cast a dopey-Disney-channel-tween-star-trying-to-be-edgy as himself and presto...The Wiggerness! We're really supposed to believe some slow white stoner sold a ton of weed out of an ice cream cart in the middle of NYC and the cops were none the wiser? and he never got jumped? and Method Man is his Jamaican dealer? This movie is the definition of TRYING WAY TOO HARD, and failing.

Synecdoche, New York = ???
This movie just screamed 'I'm crazy and totally self-indulgent, please look at meeee, pay attention to meeee!', but then I realized that's also kind of the point. The dude spends his life, making a massive play about his life that never gets performed because he keeps adding everything from his life to the play, so it just goes in circles for years until you're exhausted and want to die. I liked the themes throughout the film, that life is fleeting and everyone is the star of their own life, and it's similar to David Lynch's "Inland Empire" where the lines between real life and performance get blurred, but I'm still not sure how to pronounce the damn title so I can't say much more, except the end credits song "Little Person" was my favorite part. It's on itunes and it's great.

The Visitor = Asshole businessman feels empty inside, discovers inner-city drum circles, becomes slightly enlightened, starts questioning American immigration policy. It was like 'Crash' meets 'Rent' meets Burning Man, meets me pressing the 'eject disc' button after 20 minutes.

Tyler Perry's The Family That Preys = Not as racist as the poster???

Hmmmm...this should have been the poster for "Obsessed" as there is an actual choking fight scene in that movie, but this movie is just about prejudice and money and Christian morals and the usual Tyler Perry preachy bullshit.

Who Knew Julia Roberts Was So Fucking Funny?!

2009-05-01T00:49:00.000-07:00

I guess the role of Erin Brockavich wasn't that much of stretch for her after all. Or it just rubbed off on her a little. Come to think of it, there's been a few paparazzi videos of her swearing like a sailor too lately, so maybe this is the new Julia post-motherhood. When this story made the rounds online everyone made it sound like she was wasted and it was embarrassing, but in this clip she just seems buzzed and like she doesn't give a fuck and the crowd loves it and it's hilarious.
AUDIO is NSFW! lotta f bombs, just fyi.

Soooweee!!!

2009-04-27T00:37:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone, it's pandemic time!
The conspiracy theorist in me wonders if this is just another government ploy to divert attention away from the economy, give a boost in productivity for pharmecutical companies, and as usual keep America scared. Or could this be 'The Big One' scientists have warned about for years? Whatever it is it just feels like the 3rd installment of some bad horror trilogy on the Sci-Fi network. First was "Sars" in 2003?, then "Bird Flu" in 2005?, now the final chapter of biohazard horror trilogy...
"Just when you thought it was safe to eat bacon: Pig Flu!"

It's a scary thought, 28 Days Later and shit like that coming true, but given the previous pandemic track record, and the fact that all of them combined are nothing compared to AIDS and Malaria, you can't help but question the media hype. People started wearing masks around town when Bird Flu was all the rage, and now it's a song by M.I.A. so what do they expect us to do? All I can think about is, if/when Pig Flu sweeps the nation, will it feel like this???....

911 Needs A Drive-Thru!

2009-04-24T00:51:00.000-07:00

Given these hard economic times, people ain't takin no mess, from nobody! Especially when it comes to getting your grub on from the drive-thru value menus. This has led to a recent outbreak of customers rising up against the corporate fat cats to get what they rightfully paid for. There's no time to call those robot 1-800 feedback lines, or fill out the customer service surveys online, you want your food, you paid for it with a ziplock bag of loose change so you go straight to the authorities and call 911! I'm pretty sure I've been stuck in line behind these people my entire life.

Scene of Crime: A&D Buffalo's, Haltom City, Texas
Ordered: Shrimp Fried Rice w/ extra shrimp
Received: Shrimp Fried Rice NO extra shrimp
Damages: loss of $1.62
Sidebar: She did leave with her food, then come back to file the complaint. For all we know she was scamming free shrimp for a cookout down the street.

Scene of Crime: McDonald's, Fort Pierce, Florida
Ordered: 10 piece Chicken Mcnuggets & small fries
Received: citation for misuse of 911
Damages: approx. $5
Sidebar: I'm siding with Latreasa on this one, no nuggs, no refund? ba da ba baa baaa, I'm NOT lovin' it

UPDATE: victim defends her case in an interview, claims "iwantedtohandlemattersinmyownhands" and "i was a young lady and called the police"

You know she saw this commercial one too many times, girrrl you got a 10 piece please don't be stingaaayy...

Scene of Crime: Burger King, Laguna Nigel, California
Ordered: Western BBQ Burger...for her kids she just picked up from Tae-Kwon-Do
Received: Hamburger w/ lettuce, tomato, cheese, onion
Damages: approx. $3
Sidebar: Big ups to the 911 dispatcher on this one, "What are we protecting you from, a wrong cheeseburger?"

WHY I NEED AN iPHONE

2009-04-23T12:46:00.000-07:00

Shake shake shake, shake shake shake...shake that baby! shake that baby!

This new app is reason enough for me to get an iphone. It's a drawing of an old-timey baby that cries and you have to shake your iphone to shut it up and it dies and red Family Feud X's cover it's eyes. Awwweeesooomme! Perfect for long flights or waiting in line at Target or anywhere.

It showed up Monday and was pulled Wednesday because a bunch of mommy warrior coalition types complained. You know the type, they have a glass case full of Beanie Babies and Marie Osmand dolls in their bedroom, they buy all that little baby angel shit from truckstops and carwashes, they worship Anne Geddes calenders of naked babies sleeping on a cabbage. That would be the ultimate ap, if we combined Baby Shaker with Anne Geddes photography, like this...

Trailer Trash: Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, They Came From Upstairs, Shorts, Hurt Locker, Descent 2, Paper Heart, Drag Me To Hell

2009-04-22T01:02:00.000-07:00

GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST = GHOSTS OF MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY'S CAREER

Yet another actor who's made a career playing one character, himself, in every film. How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, Failure To Launch, Fools Gold, The Wedding Planner, etc. Now all of those movies have joined forces with the Charles Dickens classic, A Christmas Carol, to bring you the ultimate holiday rom-com mashup explosion, which nobody will see except me and some 15 year old girls.

THEY CAME FROM UPSTAIRS = Gremlins + The Three Stooges + The Matrix + ?

I think this was supposed to be straight to dvd, but might get a summer theatrical release? Shit, I hope not. The original trailer gave a release date in February but now it says July. It's basically Gremlins but more zany slapstick crap, all cgi creatures, and some stupid Matrix-style action. Starring Ashley 'Nosejob' Jizzdale from High School Musical and the hot guy from You Got Served and Step Up 2 and the grandma from...everything (Everyone Loves Raymond, Grandma's Boy, Christmas Vacation, etc), has she been 72 for 15 years?!

SHORTS = Bedtime Stories for cool kids?

Leave it to Robert Rodriguez to still be the only guy in Hollywood coming up with fun, funny, creative movies for kids. He can go back and forth from Sin City and From Dusk Til Dawn to Spy Kids and Sharkboy & Lavagirl (in 3D, before 3D was cool again). Now he's got 'Shorts' which is similar to a 'wishes coming true and going crazy' premise like Disney's Adam Sandler family crapfest from last Christmas, Bedtime Stories, but looks cooler. C'mon, he uses 'Kickstart My Heart' by Motley Crue in the trailer, SOLD!

THE HURT LOCKER = a middle east war movie that actually looks good?

This won some festival award, and is directed by Kathryn Bigelow (Strange Days, Point Break, Near Dark) and it looks rad. I know, I know, another 'soldiers in Iraq' movie, lots of dirt, beige fatigues, sweaty dramatic scenes where the down-home country American soldier has to decide weather to save a soldier or an Iraqi baby, shit like that, but this looks better. Give the trailer a chance.

THE DESCENT 2 = Why are you going back in the cave full of monsters you dumbass!?!

A sketchy follow up to the sleeper horror hit from a few years ago. I like when sequels pick up right where the original left off, but this trailer makes it look like a fan-made Sci-Fi Channel sequel on a fraction of the budget. It even looks like they used some leftover stock footage from the original...? Recession editing? So my expectations are pretty low, but I will give it a chance.

PAPER HEARTS = cute barf

If you told me the idea of this movie, I would have said "Nick & Nora part 2? hell naaww." But this trailer actually looks pretty damn cute. I'm not into Michael Cera playing himself in every movie ever, always wearing the same hoodie in various colors. He looks like a baby vampire and I'm over it. If it weren't for the asian girl, I would probably hate this movie. Somewhere, buried deep within my rotten, boozey shell...there might be a heart, a tiny Grinch heart that palpitates, but it's there somewhere.

Ok, ok, one last good one then I'm done...
DRAG ME TO HELL = HELLZ JEEEAAHH!!!

Sam Raimi finally took a break from that Spiderman waste of time to get back to his horror roots and kick out this movie which looks awesome! Some old gypsy can't get a home loan at the bank so she curses the bank lady and proceeds to scare the shit out of her before she 'drags her to hell'. It's kind of like that Stephen King movie 'Thinner' except updated to reflect the financial struggles of modern day gypsies, like mortgage payments and home foreclosures and hygiene.

REVIEWS: Towelhead vs Baghead, The Last House on the Left, Doomsday, Get Smart, Let the Right One In

2009-04-07T01:00:00.000-07:00

HAPPY EASTER!!!

Spoilers ahead, but nothin good, just FYI

Towelhead is about an arab teenage girl, coming of age in suburban America.
Baghead is about 4 horny indie filmmakers, getting drunk in a cabin in the woods.

Towelhead is a reference to a racial slur directed towards Mid-Eastern peoples.
Baghead is a reference to a mysterious stalker with a paper bag on his head.

Towelhead is basically a post-9/11 American Beauty.
Baghead is basically a post-Punk'd Blair Witch Project.

Towelhead has a budget, and Aaron Eckhart as an army vet/pedo (hey, Alan Ball, why do all your characters live next to a crazy army vet?)
Baghead doesn't have a budget, and some guy named Ross Partridge with Elvis hair who would make a great neighbor.

Towelhead = 3 towels
Baghead = 2.5 bags

The Last House On The Left = Are you fucking kidding me?!

I know it's a remake from an older version, but still, what's the point? Do you want to pay $10 to snuggle with your girlfriend/boyfriend and watch a bunch of meth-heads rape the shit out of some teenage girls and kill them? No thanks. Why is this even relevant? Sure it just makes the parental revenge scenes that much more dramatic but who wants to watch any of this shit in the first place? I only watched it cuz I liked the 'Sweet Child O Mine' cover in the trailer, but I am really disturbed that this is now standard 'horror movie' material for the next gen kids. Where my Gremlins at?

Doomsday = 2 exploding heads

This is just Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome 2009.
And I can't get past the fact that the main chic is clearly Kate Beckinsale's long lost twin, also related to Bush twin Barbera, and Maura Tierney from E.R.
Seriously, are these all the same actress? or do they all have the same agent? or same plastic surgeon?

This movie was some Scottish person's faux remake of a Mad Max film with exploding rabbits and Saw-ish gore. Yaaawwwwn-fest.

Get Smart = ???
I don't remember much. It wasn't as bad as the new Steve Martin Pink Panther movies, but it wasn't much better either. If you're 9 you might love it. Sorry, watching The Rock and Steve Carell make out is neither sexy, funny or anything but awkward and a desperate, failed attempt at man-on-man humor.

Let The Right One In = 4 dead Swedish peoples

Finally, a decent vampire flick! Fuck Twilight, fuck Lost Boys 2, this is legit vampire material.
It's Sweden, it's the 80's, it's rad. These kids are neighbors, homies, ride or die. The girl is a vampire but looks out for her bff, this aryan kid who gets picked on relentlessly by some lesbian and her crew. It's creepy and stylish and awesome and apparently getting an American remake coming soon, and sure to suck. Probably starring Zac Efron & Vanessa Hudgens. So see the original before they turn it into Teen Wolf 2009 The Musical!

animated gif's courtesy of http://fourfour.typepad.com/

REVIEW: WATCHMEN = 3.5 Blueballs

2009-04-03T01:24:00.000-07:00

Not really spoilers ahead, just specifics.

I know, I know, Dr. Manhattan's nudity has been discussed to death, but I just saw this movie so my turn! Besides, it's just Lawnmower Man 1992 'virtual reality' kind of nudity anyway. I still liked that he replicated himself during his sex scene resulting in a Blue Man Group 4 way. Apparently, the Blue Man Group guys jizz in neon colors (see photo above), poor girl must look like Jackson Pollack afterwards.

Anyway, I had no prior knowledge of the Watchmen and the trailer looked like it was for "Beyond the Mind's Eye 5", those 90's trippy computer animation clips that were just glorified screensavers. And the near 3 hour runtime also scared me, but if I could sit through Australia, I could definitely make it through Watchmen. My favorite part of the entire thing was actually the opening credits sequence. I fucking hate Bob Dylan, and yeah it was all really Forrest Gump-esque, but that lesbian kiss/murder scene blew my mind. The character is Silhouette and they don't show her for the rest of the movie! I want a whole spinoff movie just about her!

Also, nobody told me 2-time MVP, Phoenix Suns All-star Steve Nash played Rorschach, the dude with the changing inkblot mask who can seriously fuck you up in prison, or anywhere. I had to look him up on imdb.com to make sure they weren't brothers cuz that is some uncanny shit! Maybe their mother's had the same milkman, something.

The dudes in the lobby afterwards confirmed my observations, this movie doesn't have much action, but the action it does have is very brutal.

Siderbar: I don't care what you indie rock music elitist assholes say, the music in this movie ruled! Bob Dylan and that Janis Joplin song aside, I liked the rest of it. It was really dated obvious pop in your face things like "99 Luft Balloons" by that German chic, and "Boogie Man" by K.C. & the Sunshine Band during a street riot and Hendrix, Nat King Cole, Simon & Garfunkel and Leonard Cohen. But also the subtle cues like the Musak instrumental of "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" in the background of the scene where all the press are interviewing Ozymandias. Just cuz someone uses pop music, doesn't mean they don't know of anything else. If you did an all indie obscure soundtrack for a movie everyone would think you are choosing unknown acts just for that reason alone, same rational, so go fuck yourself.

Speaking of Ozymandias. He's the gay Donald Trump...right? They show him hitting up Studio 54 in the intro with David Bowie and Mick Jagger, and he's this skinny, blonde, metro-looking billionaire with a giant purple Egyptian tiger pet thing ala Sigfried & Roy. Also he references his idol, Alexander the Great, gaaaaaaaaaay. Not sure if they touch on that in the graphic novel but it's spelled out all over the screen. Here is some random fan art I found regarding the subject...

Watchmen is not your typical superhero movie at all, which is probably why I got hooked. There is a lot more focus on complex character development rather than blow-em-up action scenes. From someone who knew nothing about it, and didn't even want to see it, I ending up loving it for all it's tongue in cheek humor, brutally violent action, mentally disturbed Forrest Gumpish awesomeness.

LET'S GET SPRUNG

2009-03-23T01:54:00.000-07:00

SPRING FASHION ALERT!!!

Fashion Week has come and gone in Milan, Paris, New York,...now, last and least, LA. I don't know what the hot new trends are but I imagine a lot of stuff looking like Ed Hardy took a shit on a trucker hat and sold it for $100, or some cougar bedazzled slutty words in 'old english' font on the ass of women's sweat suits. LA Fashion week is like the Rock of Love Bus of fashion. I haven't seen any current shit, but my last favorite show was Christian Dior Fall 07, it's on youtube in 3 or 4 parts, warning: it's extremely gay but if you are even remotely interested in Project Runway, you might like it, here's part 1 of 3:

Also, just for old time's sake I have to post...
the model falling through the hole on the catwalk, I think she finally just filed a lawsuit over this

...and the funniest fall, but the version where the news anchors can't stop laughing cuz I love me some news bloopers and catwalk bloopers, but the 2 combined is blooper heaven. loooves me some good ol' fashioned bloopers.

I was curious about what kind of slumdog millionaire sweatshop-knock offs H&M would be rolling out this spring so I cruised their website. When they first came to town it was kinda jammin, but since has turned into a neon new rave k hole. Last time I was there they had a mannequin, wearing underwear over sweatpants, with a button down dress shirt and a scarf. So their website has a feature where you can upload a photo of yourself and enter your measurements and then virtually try anything on. If you choose their model, the clothes magically fly on and off while they walk in place down a virtual runway, check it out. I decided to try and come up with the gayest possible outfits, shootin fish in a barrel. You can even accessorize and pick different background locations. The final one is my only serious attempt at something I would actually wear. Here is my resulting look book:

Look #1: "Pastel Playground" apparently I only tan my legs, so I must cover my upper half with a sweater and scarf, then I go breakdance

Look #2: "Jet Setter" aka rent boy cruising the hotel lobby for a sugar daddy

Look #3: "Gay Librarian" man I really hate scarfs, and reading

Look #4: "Poolside" I can do this...but why do I have E.T. hands?

SPRING BREAKDOWN!!!
I guess this movie was made years ago and is now straight to dvd, which means, although the cast seems good...it probably sucks. But you know I'm gonna see it any damn way. Review to come, as soon as I reactivate my Netflix.

LAST WEEKS NEWS....waaa-waaa

2009-03-20T01:59:00.000-07:00

I had to work 6 days in a row then went to Vegas for 3 days, no time to blog, sue me. I am officially pissed I missed the boat on the whole America's Next Top Model audition riot in NYC but that ship has sailed. I still haven't had a chance to see Watchmen, or any other movies for that matter, so no reviews either. All I got is my own personal recap of the Sesame Street employee layoffs. Again, I tried to get this out last week but I was overbooked and spent too long editing the pics and making the ultimate Vegas playlist, I didn't have time for content, so here it is now if you care.

WHAT IF THEY WERE LAID OFF FROM SESAME STREET...

ELMO: WILL LET YOU TICKLE FOR FOOD

Joining the likes of 'Homeless Jack Sparrow' and 'Superman-that-needs-a-dentist", a mangy Elmo finds himself trying to revive his 'tickle-me' fame on Hollywood Blvd. Failing to realize how much tickle-me competition there is in Hollywood, he soon finds himself in the valley, doing tickle fetish porn for Vivid. Welcome to the jungle, Elmo, it's gonna bring you dooowwwn, HUUUUGHHH!!!

COUNT VON COUNT: COUNTS 1 through 11, GUILTY! AH AH AH

Oddly they look alike and are both evil and good with numbers.
P.S. how has he not 'accidentally' fallen out of his penthouse window yet???

BERT & ERNIE: THE OBVIOUS

Old joke, too easy.

BIG BIRD: D.O.A.!!?!

He was the STAAARRRR! He had it all; money, power, fame, glory,...bird flu! His shameful, provacative taste for young Malaysian goslings finally caught up with him. After getting canned from Sesame he went on a 4 day bender and was found like this on the 3rd St. Promenade in front of an A&F store. Hollywood will eat you alive,... or sunny-side-up. (insert overly dramatic CSI intro here).

COOKIE MONSTER: THE BIGGEST LOSER

Once revered for his compulsive cookie-eating habits, Cookie Monster soon became the poster child for the 'Stop Eating Your Feelings' campaign against childhood obesity. With this new, unflattering title, CM tried marketing himself through every diet plan gimmick on tv but the only one that really worked? Crystal, meth, tina, tweek, glass, speed, crank, and my fave according to the internets 'jib nugget'. CM was so caught up in the now floundering, watered-down, 15-years-late rave scene he lost all weight-loss endorsement deals and now just deals jib-nugget to Mexicans in Chino.

MR. SNUFFLEUPAGUS: PRINCESS HOARD-A-LOT-A-STUFFS

The only way Snuffy knew how to cope after losing his job, as the original 'Debbie Downer' of daytime television, was to sit at home, take in 13 stray cats, stop bathing, become a princess, and spend his royalties on all kinds of useless garbage!

TOKEN PUERTO RICAN: STILL TOKEN PUERTO RICAN (Alien Gonzalez???)

I don't know who this dude is, but he always showed up with something to say. He was the kid on the street, and in NYC, the 'kid on the street' is most likely Puerto Rican so they made a muppet out of him. Now he is totally into futball, Rosie Perez, J.Lo, dry American land, and famed rapper Pitbull! Calle Ocho!!!

OSCAR THE GROUCH: BOOOOYAAAAHHH!!!
SERENITY NOW!!! Oscar finally gets to shove it in the face of all his happy-go-lucky co-stars! Welcome to my trashcan bitches! I'ma livin' in a box,...i'ma livin in a cardboard box. Best song everrrrr! Nobody else in the 80's made a dance song about homeless people's houses, it's fucking prolific! If you know me, you know I love this song to death and I know all the lyrics. Now I will pay it forward and share my joy with you and yours...so next time you're stuck on whatever street and you see them out there, just pump this jam and watch a depressing slum turn into a Janet Jackson dance video out of nowhere, I honestly love this song.

H<3G TRL !!!

2009-03-02T12:14:00.000-08:00

Welcome to H<3G TRL!!! Here's a few of my favorite music/videos for you screaming tweens, except these songs are rediculous and your requests mean nothing.
ON WITH THE SHOW!!!
(some full music videos, some just audio with pics and lyrics)

Rodney Atkins - "Watching You"
I shit you not, this is for real. I almost pissed my pants laughing when I heard this on the radio (yes I listen to the country channel, for songs exactly like this, and I had a Garth Brooks tape stuck in my car for 2 years). Anyway, this song is all about getting his kid a Happy Meal at McDonald's with nuggets, fries, an orange drink and a toy. Then praying in a barn. I could've gotten stoned and written this while waiting for my nuggets in the drive-thru and now I'd be a millionaire.

"Beer Run" by Garth Brooks & George Jones
B, double E, double R, U, N!!! here is a version starring various musical cat pics. There needs to be a lot more of this style video on tv.

"Have You Forgotten" by Darryl Worely
There could be an entire sub-category of country music just about 9/11 but here is my favorite jam. Example of lyrical genius:
"Don't ya tell me not to worry 'bout Bin Laden,
...Have you forgotten?"
I can just picture this dude, sitting around trying to think of things that rhyme with 'Bin Laden'. Below is a fan-made slideshow including a bald eagle with a teardrop.

"Blame It" by Jaime Foxx
Someone lost a bet, or this is a joke or there was some fine Columbian going around the backlot that day cuz the first 30 seconds of this video is brain-melting.
Spoiler Alert! If you don't feel like watching let me break it down with bullets...
-it's a Jamie Foxx video,
-directed by Hype Williams (who I blame for Aaliyah's untimely death, RIP Baby Girl) -starring Jake Gyllenhaal (Prince of Persia, Prince of Nepotism)
-Forest Whitaker (overrated wonk-eye who edited me out of 'Waiting to Exhale'
for which I will never forgive him)
-Ron Howard (Frost/Nixon looks boring but Angels/Demons looks jammin')
-Samuel L. Jackson, Quincy Jones, Bill Bellamy, Tatiana Ali, some jazz musician
Mix all this mess together with T-Pain, a crunk panda bear, a bottle of Henny, some bi-racial video ho's up in da club and you get the following...

Honorable Mentions:
"The More Boys I Meet, The More I Love My Dog" by Carrie Underwood
"BBQ Stain" by Tim McGraw
"She Think's My Tractor's Sexy" by Kenny Chesney

And still, my ALL TIME favorite weirdest music video ever, no special effects, endless cameos abound, kind of like 'We Are the World' but way better, trying to have a plot?, and not related to the song in any way whatsoever, I highly suggest carving out 6 minutes, sitting back, watching in HQ and trying to recognize every single person, gather some friends around and make a game out of it, the answers are all in the end credits, ladies and gentlemen, I give you...
"Liberian Girl" by Michael Jackson

BLACK HISTORY MONTH RECAP: PARTY OVER

2009-02-26T23:59:00.001-08:00

Dang y'all! This month started out as the jump off with Obama and stuff but now it's like someone just turned the lights on at the Century Club at 2am and things aren't lookin' so good. It wasn't all bad, some highs, some lows, where to begin...

THE OSCARS = BLACKOUT!
As far as the acting awards there was only 1 Nubian princess, Taraji P. Henson, and 1 African queen, Viola Davis, both nominated for Best Supporting Actress for two seperate films (neither of which was a Tyler Perry movie!) and they both lost. And just to pour salt in the wound, Marisa Tomei nominated for playing our favorite 'stripper with a heart of gold' in The Wrestler lost as well! Annnnd...just to squeeze lemon juice over the salt in the wound, Robert Downey Jr. also lost for Best Supporting Actor as a white man in black face for Tropic Thunder. Don't get me wrong, I thought Halle Berry was great in Monster's Ball but I really was rooting for Taraji in Benji Buttons, she was awesome. I didn't see Doubt cuz it looks boring. Either way, both of these ladies are livin' it up cuz they look great and one played opposite Meryl Streep and the other opposite Brad Pitt in nominated rolls so move over Halle, you got some new competish in town and they aren't just R'n'B crossover stars anymore. Speaking of which, R.I.P. Aaliyah, you've been all over my ipod lately and I miss you baby girl.

TOP CHEF = HOOOOOTY (BOO) HOOOOOOO!!!!
CARLA WAS ROBBED! SABOTAGED BY WHITE DEVIL, CASEY!!!(i love the gif, got it from dlisted who got it from mattchew, whoever you are, i love you)

White devil told her to cook that meat in a bag and do a souffle instead of a tart, and frazzled Carla decided to take orders instead of give them, resulting in her upsetting loss. I was an instant Hooty fan from episode one but didn't get attached cuz I was sure she would be gone by episode 5. Little did I know. In the finale, when Carla cried, I cried. She made her food with love, whenever all the other chefs are just chainsmoking cokeheads with faux-hawks. Carla Hall is an inspiration. I cried HOOOTY HOOO to the moon that night and only heard my tears hitting the ground in response. le sigh. If you don't know, now ya know, i've been callin hooty since I saw this, and Wendi is my hoo.

SIDEBAR: Where the hell is the Wendy Williams tv talk show at?
It was a 6 week sneak peek in 4 cities and it was like Tyra meets Chelsea Lately meets some of the View in a dark alley full of trannies. If you know Wendy's radio show, you know her history, if not, youtube her interview with Whitney Houston, Superhead, or anyone else for that matter. This was the highlight catfight of her daytime talkshow and it's pretty good, started off fake and catty then they both turned on the 'bitch switch' tryin to call out eachother's plastic surgery. Just askin Wendy, it's March '09, where you at?!

UNBE-WEAVE-ABLE!!!
Homegirl has been wearing this brassy-ass weave 'for years' and invested a lot of money in it. Well, good investment girl cuz it just saved your brain from a bullet. Her ex-boo tried to shoot her in the head but her weave was all "helllll naaaawwwhhh" and caught that shit! Briana, you need to give your hairdresser a huuuge tip. P.S. I think we drive the same car.

DMX + Arizona = Jail time in 'Tent City' in a Pink-Pajammy-Jammy-Jam!
Sounds like a gay, down-low-thug slumber party but it's actually how our jails roll here in the wild west. You gotta wear pink, and live in a tent in the middle of hot-ass-nowhere-desert with a bunch of other assholes and meth-heads. Poor DMX (Earl Simmons) didn't know these things when he decided to go 100 mph down the freeway in his sunshine yellow 1966 Chevy Nova II with his frickin' name as a windshield decal! In Phoenix, we have photo-radar cameras everywhere, not just red lights. I'm talkin freeways, crosswalks, side-streets with bushes all around 'em, everywhere, it's total bullshit. What I love about the pic above is that I drive by that damn camera, twice a day to and from work, it's right by my house and having his name on his car means he can't contest that at all.

Anyway, I guess he skipped out on court appearances so he's still chillin in a tent some miles away throwing food at guards and actin' a fool up in there. Our Sheriff is Joe Arpaio, so notorious he now has a reality show on the Fox Reality channel that's like Punk'd but instead of high-fiving Ashton Kutcher at the end, you get cuffed and thrown in jail by a douche in a trucker hat. The local news visited him for an interview which is actually pretty interesting cuz he understands Arizona's beauty, which is why he was hangin here callin' it God's country, but then had a run in with the devil. Oh, and now he wants to become a preacher, the gospel according to X, can't wait for THAT album to drop.

And if you're still remotely interested, here is an episode of "Surprise...You're Under Arrest!" in which they convince wanted criminals they will receive $300 if they show up to walk in a 'fashion show', wearing striped prison uniforms, then they get arrested. Duuuuurrrrrrr....

I know there's other stuff to report on, like Taj from SWV on Survivor this season, or 'Medea Goes To Jail' makin a jillion dollars and Rihanna spotted seeing it with friends, and speculation over Michael Jackson dying or swelling or whatever. I chose my favorite, maybe less popular Black History Month stories, and this ain't no leap year so it's ending now, peace out 'til next Feb.

Neverland 'Off The Wall' Yard Sale!

2009-02-17T00:44:00.000-08:00

The King of Pop is dealing with the recession by selling off his tacky-ass collection of Las Vegas gift shop furniture, housewares and customized memorabilia. It's a bunch of crazy shit 'Off the Wall' of his Neverland Ranch, for sale to the highest bidder with a few grand to 'Burn This Disco Out'. Prices so low, nobody can 'Beat It'.

'Don't Stop Til You Get Enough' of such 'Unbreakable' items as his fully-functioning, metallic, transformer robot head from Moonwalker. Also, actual scissorhands from Edward Scissorhands the movie! Don't forget about a pair of his bedazzled, reinforced gym socks. The perfect gift for the 'Liberian Girl' in your life. The painting above is some artist's rendering of my own vision of heaven, complete with Gaybraham Lincoln and E.T. the Exrtra-fierce Terrestrial. Hopefully MJ won't be cryin' 'I Wan't You Back' over these precious gems. Especially his tricked out Peter Pan golf cart complete with low-rider-esque hood detailing, my personal favorite, hint hint.

Click here to view full auction gallery courtesy of the guardian UK

CORALINE = THE WEIRDEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN?

2009-02-16T00:15:00.000-08:00

And I've seen a LOOOOOOTTTT of shit. Maybe I should clarify; this is the weirdest movie I've ever seen in the theater? I have been trying to think of something weirder but it was all forced, artsy-weird, or just trippy self-aware shit that was trying too hard to be edgy. Yeah, I know this director is trying to be his weird old self too, and maybe I need to read the book to understand some stuff but I'm not getting near any book. This movie was so confusing and bizarre I found myself curled up into a ball towards the end and listening to all the mom's around me go "ummmm...???" as their guilt startled to settle in for subjecting their kids to this. Oh and yeah, I did see it in 3D of course, you know how I roll. Well maybe you don't, but when I roll, I usually roll in 3D. Spy Kids 3D is still my fave. Spoilers ahead!

I know the basic premise of the story but the way it just sort of stumbles over itself, to accentuate Coraline's awkwardness perhaps, makes it hard to follow? Or maybe it was the way I fell asleep somewhere early in the second act and woke up in Crazytown which left me with many unanswered questions. I gathered her parents ignore her and she finds this magical world where everything seems perfect but isn't, but I couldn't figure out why her best friend was this autistic kid who looks like a retarded, grunge-era Cabbage Patch kid in Doc Martens.

Skip to Act 3-ish: There was a tipping point, when I officially realized it was beyond my brain's motivation to comprehend, during some scene where Coraline enters an opera house where a fat stripper is battling a fat mermaid on stage and the audience is full of Scottie dogs with giant grins. Thoughts? Anyone? I gave up after that, and you probably will too unless you are a drunken French clown from Cirque Du Soleil, in which case you would find this movie very obvious and banal.

Teri Hatcher (voice of Coraline's mom) turns from claymation Desperate Housewife, to Posh Spice/Victoria Beckham, to a crazy-robot-spider-alien-lady. Coraline has to collect enough shattered dreams to free herself and the ghost kids she meets in the alternate universe, I think? I don't know, the talking cat was cool though, just make sure you go into this movie with an 'open mind'...and don't try making sense of anything. Here is my ghetto visual aid of the mean Coraline mom/Victoria Beckham similarities. Am I right or am I right?

Trailer Park Roundup

2009-02-11T11:06:00.000-08:00

No, you don't need to wrangle in your desert meth labs, this is about movie previews, the good, the bad, the ugly, the Sandra Bullock, let's see what's coming our way in theaters for 2009 besides the obvious Transformers 2, G.I. Joe, which both look jammin'...

PLANET 51

Ok, Thanksgiving isn't 'early 2009' but still. As much as I despise the onslaught of computer animated kid's movies these days, this one actually looks good! I usually hate Pixar (except for Finding Nemo and Wall-E, otherwise they suck) and Shrek was good but Shrek 2 and Shrek 3 and Shrek the Broadway musical?! seriously? Anyway, Planet 51 looks pretty good, martian kids playing hop scotch on crop circle symbols, the multi-mouthed alien from the Alien movies is a house pet, the funny American atronaught is the 'alien', it's cuter than a screaming chipmunk like all these Madagascar/ Over the Hedge/ Ice Age/ Fly Me to the Moon bullshit movies.

THE SOLOIST

Wasn't this supposed to come out months ago? I guess homeless LA crackheads must seem charming and whimsical to Euro-directors cuz this guy just made his swan song for them, probably after staying here for 2 months in a W Hotel over award season a year or two ago. This movie looks hilarious! Jamie Foxx plays a retarded-homeless-crackhead-cello-genius? Robert Downey Jr. plays some weathered newspaper reporter looking for a scoop? They meet in some kind of freeway traffic stand still and have some kind of undiscovered intellectual conntection. Jamie Foxx's jerry curl mullet is enough reason not to see it.

TOKYO!

Finally something good-lookin. I mean, it looks crazy-as-hell but cool. Give me some crazy-ass Michel Gondry shit anyday.

NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM 2

Ben Stiller is an asshole, everyone know's it. At least he found a Meet The Fockers follow-up to pay his rent. Kids who liked Social Studies loved the first one so this will blow their pre-pubescent minds! I hope. right?

ALL ABOUT STEVE

Dear Sandy B., I luvs ya, I'm sorry some crazy stalker is trying to kill your boyfriend/fiance?/husband/motorcycle-enthusiast Jesse James. I'm also sorry I didn't pay that fat asshole $15 for a 90's marble plaque with your photo on it and an engraving saying "She is a fan of the internet" at the Fairfax High School Sunday Swap Mart (Wendi knows what i'm talkin bout). So many things we need to discuss, including your return to cinema via this film...? It's like Will & Grace, but if Grace was even more crazy and slutty.

THE PROPOSAL
Hey wait Sandy B. this one doesn't look half bad. Count me in.

ANIME NERDS CONTINUE!!!

DRAGONBALL: EVOLUTION

Fucking finally right? This movie is a long time comin' and will be followed up by the Naruto movie starring Dev Patel, the dude from Slumdog Millionaire. Anywhoozle, this Dragonball movie looks kinda cool maybe? Kinda low budge but might be fun.

STREET FIGHTER: THE LEGEND OF CHUN-LI

Uuuummmmm....where the hell is Chun-Li in this trailer? She's the title character and i saw her for 2 seconds in this preview. Why not call it the Legend of Vega cuz he is featured way more. It looks brokedown anyway.

AVATAR - You anime nerds go bat-shit crazy over Avatar, which I don't undertand. Regardless, this movie is still in production, and Dev Patel from 'Slumdog Millionaire' is involved now and I'm sure you will jizz in your pants about it whenever it comes out. Is there a Naruto Hentai coming soon too?

Black History Month is the JUMP OFF!!!

2009-02-09T12:22:00.000-08:00

Damn y'all!...it's not even Valentine's Day yet and all kinds of shit is goin down! I guess when you're being honored during the shortest month of the year you gotta make every day count. Now that all the Kwanzaa sales are over, let's recap the BHM highlights so far...

- OBAMAAAAAAA!!! : yeah he was elected in November and inaugerated in January but NOW he is commander in chief and has a lot of shit to deal with so we get to see what this hardcore halfrican is made of. Bring it Obama! You own this! (ps. get your wife a new stylist ASAP, and get Sasha and Malia a dog already so people will stop talking about it.)

- OPRAAAHHHH!!! : actually, Oprah has been pretty boring lately cuz she's all about weight loss for the millionth time. Bitch who cares? You're a billionaire and you're over 50! oh wait...weight loss resolutions, selling your magazine...i get it, you don't care you're just chasin that paper. "I N D E P E N D E N T do you know what that means? You got your own house, your own car..." you know the song.

- Chris Brown vs. Rihanna FIGHT! : In one corner we have Chris Brown, great dancer, overdone shitty robot-voice, I only like "Wall to Wall", your 2 episode guest starring role on The OC sucked and you have a lisp, your song "Forever" is one of the absolute worst songs I've ever heard and it incorporates lyrics to tie in to a fucking Doublemint gum commercial which is also horrid. And in the other corner we have Rihanna, totally hot, also overdone shitty robot-voice, I prefer songs from your first album when you were still a caribbean queen like "Pon de Replay" "If It's Lovin That You Want" and why wasn't "Let Me" a single?! That is my jaaammm! But if I have to hear "Disturbia" one more time I'm going to punch myself in the gennies and quit releasing the same album over and over 3 months later with 2 more shitty songs tacked on. Also get a new stylist cuz your 'futuristic-stripper-on-a-budget' clothes are your current stylist's idea of a cruel joke that keeps on happening. Anyway, I'm on team Rihanna obviously. You can do way better than Lisp Brown and if he's gettin all Ike Turner on your ass you need to put all his shit in a BMW and light it on fire like you was waitin' to exhale!

Lil' Kim!!! : First of all I love you, always have, always will. Biggie was your pimp/boyfriend whatever, you still got beef with his main ho Faith Evans especially with this Notorious movie, you went to prison rather than ratting out your Junior Mafia homies, you are a ride-or-die bitch to the core! You rap about 'pearls in your pussy and diamonds in your ass crack' and I can't get enough. You are a fashion icon, plastic surgery junkie and my black Barbie 4 life! Now you are going on Dancing With the Stars?! ABC is owned by Disney and they are not ready for your bleached-skin ass to tear that shit up and for your hardcore fans to vote you to win it all! I can't wait to see what kind of bat-shit crazy outfits you will wear and never thought I'd be excited to see an episode of DWTS ever til now. QUEEN BEE!!!

There are many more things I could list like Usher's wife getting botched plastic surgery in Brazil, the youngest coach in history to let the mafia buy and sell his Superbowl win, Lil Wayne winning a bunch of Grammy's for being a retard, Whitney Houston's supposed comeback, Jennifer Hudson's actual comeback, Tyler Perry probably took a shit somewhere, etc etc who knows what's next?! To be continued, til then I'll leave you with my new jam of the week, I know Lil Wayne is featured and he raps "I hope your vagina tight" and I hate him but it's still my jam.

Trader Joe's Commercial

2009-02-09T11:46:00.000-08:00

This is so accurate and hysterical it should be an actual commercial. Hell, why not have an entire DIY viral commercial contest? This guy already set the bar pretty high though and shot entirely on his Palm Treo. If you frequent your local TJ's, you will love this. Store 87 W00T!

Reviews: Bride Wars, Gran Torino, The Day The Earth Stood Still, The Unborn, Taken, My Bloody Valentine 3D

2009-02-06T09:00:00.000-08:00

BRIDE WARS = MY SUPER SWEET MID-TWENTIES!!!

Is this shit for real?! Given the popularity of MTV's "My Super Sweet Sixteen" and some other channel's "Bridezillas!" this movie sounds like a sure thing. But some genius producer decides if they want to appeal to the age ranges of each show they will need a PG rating from the MPAA, which basically means the entire movie is in the trailer and you could show it to a 6 year old while you 'babysit' aka give your bf an hj. Shit, I am willing to bet "Marley & Me" is more traumatizing to children than this crap. Even the "My Super Sweet Sixteen" made for MTV movie is more risque than 'Bride Wars'. This shit is strictly for the 'Daddy's Disney Princess' aka Gold-Diggers-In-Training aka I-wanna-be-on-the-Real-Housewives-of-OC-2025!

P.S. DUDES! If your girlfriend makes you see this movie, RUN!, run as far in the opposite direction as possible, run to your nearest strip club, just RUNNNN!!!
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GRAN TORINO = CLINT'S EASTWOOD'S AFTER SCHOOL SPECIAL, 30 YEARS LATE

Is this seriously supposed to be his final farewell love letter to cinema? Cuz if so, he's lettin his anti-Charlie flag fly high and proud. This movie is basically a glorified After School Special in which a white, curmudgeon, war vet is reluctant to succomb to Korean families/gangs taking over his neighborhood, but then takes a stand against the gangs since the Korean neighbors celebrate him as a hero for defending their family. I'm all for Korean BBQ, as long as the waitresses don't conveniently forget you ordered the 'all-you-can-eat special' and ignore you after 2 minutes. Also, Koreans can't drive for shit, you know it, i know it, we all know it. It's not racist, it's a law of nature. Go ahead and take a casual drive through K-Town and count how many times you almost died, then you saw some vacant Korean woman behind the wheel driving like Helen Keller in a snow storm, wait...Helen Keller driving in a snow storm wouldn't be any different than Helen Keller driving on a sunny day. Anyway, Korean + operating heavy machinery = certain death. So, Clint spends the entire movie growling like a hound in heat and only made me think of all the hours he must have spent perfecting his various growls doing ADR in some studio. Gran Torino is way funnier than Changeling, and just when I thought it couldn't get any funnier, Clint starts 'singing' during the end credits! That was the icing on my geriatric cake.
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THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL = IT STOOD STILL BECAUSE THIS MOVIE WAS SO BORING

How many times are we supposed to watch Keanu Reeves play a goopy, sci-fi, hair-less, fetus man/being and take it seriously? After 3 Matrixes, we're done, we're overdone. And throwing 'funky-urban-haired Will Smith's kid on top of everything only makes me vomit more and turn the movie off sooner, take a shower and praise the heavens I am not a part of the Will/Jada Willow/Jaden Pinkett/Smith family of obviously-Scientologists-in-denial-hell. Yes I like hyphens right now, deal with it.
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THE UNBORN = ABORT! ABORT! MISSION ABORT!

The trailer for this movie is a hundred times better than the actual thing, even though it's all a rip-off of the deleted 'spider-walk' staircase scene from the original 'The Exorcist'. The actual movie was so boring I would have paid to watch the trailer on a 90 minute loop instead of this shit. HOWEVER...whoever this lead chic is, wow! If you could conceive of some heavenly hybrid of Angelina Jolie, Megan Fox, Jennifer Connoly and Pocahontas...i think this is her and she is jammin on the one's and two's. Not sure how she skipped over the porn industry but hopefully she has more mainstream, feature films lined up. FYI, half the audience left after an hour or less so if you think I'm too Judge Judy, it was a collective opinion.
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TAKEN = EYE FOR AN EYE: THE DADDY VERSION!

Only few people know, but there was a jammin thriller from the 90's called 'Eye For An Eye' starring Sally Field as the mother of a raped/murdered teen daughter, out for vengance against the released rapist Kiefer Sutherland. The opening scene, at the birthday party, with the ice sculpture, and Sally's balloons while she's stuck in traffic (not her breasts, actual party balloons)...y'all know what i'm talkin' about. Very tense. Anyway, 'Taken' is like the modern day male version of 'Eye for an Eye'. It's good, short, sweet, action packed, sexy, dangerous, not so bad for a January thriller (since this is the time of year studios usually dump all their garbage in hope of some turnover). It is what it is, better than Hotel For Dogs or Mall Cop I'm sure.
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MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D = MY BORING SERIAL KILLER MINER IN 3D

The og MBV is still one of the scariest 80's slasher movies I've always loved but has never gotten much recognition. Y'all know I loves seeing any movie in 3D and, while this one is fun at times, I was still boooooored to death. They should hang canary cages in the theater to determine how boring this movie is so if the bird falls asleep you know you should get a refund or sneak into something else. Sure there's like a 15 minute scene of a fully naked chic running around but still, the rest is a yawn fest. They even manage to morph the main female lead into a full on, lesbianesque-flannel-wearing-Lohan-look-alike and I was still dying for it to END! While fun at some scenes, overall it's so boring I was hoping the killer miner would throw his pick into the projector and end our collective misery. 'Our' meaning me, the only person in the theater.

Welcome!

2009-02-04T02:04:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Hooker's Heart of Gold!

Classy, trashy, hipster or ghetto, I'll be updating with my take on anything including movies, TV shows, music, gossip, web junk, videos, fashion, politics, news of the weird and current events. This is my free form commentary on all things old school, middle school, new school, futuristic-end-of-the-world-prophesies, race relations and shitty customer service sound-offs!

So if you like it, link a friend, sit back with a glass of Alize or White Zin+Vodka and get your swerve on! Expect updates 1 - 3 times a week, not every hour, cuz I still need my day job. Comment at will, and if i'm posting anything remotely NSFWish I will say so, even though my blog name is kinda afterhours-ish, it's your call.

xoxo
HHoG